my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I want a musical about memes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
