I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
