i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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