can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize
