how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
