what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
