I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
