i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He shit in the fireplace
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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