I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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