Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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