I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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