my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
