Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Randomize