just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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