There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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