I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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