Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
