You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
