EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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