Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
