im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
