Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize