Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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