What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
