I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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