I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
