Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
