just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
