I think my vagina is haunted
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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