make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize