My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
