I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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