I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
