I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
