This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
