I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
