Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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