I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
