I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
