I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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