I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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