So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
