I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
