what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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