Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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