i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
