Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
