Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
