Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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