If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
