the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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