who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
