i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
