I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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