Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
