Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
