mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
