Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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