It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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