she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
