i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
